All you need is LOVE ❤️ 💕 💗

The fourth week (January 25-31) of my weekly challenges for 2021 consisted of showing more love and affection towards my wife.

Like most couples, we have our ups and downs. We have been together for 26 years this year, and we have two daughters of 11 and 14.

Being together for this long, much of the daily life becomes routine. I admit that there are struggles at times. I can get annoyed with her, and she sure gets annoyed with me. How she has coped with me during these years is close to a miracle!

Since I had started getting up earlier and consequently also gone to bed earlier since previous week, I was already getting more in sync with my wife’s schedule.

I decided to dedicate the week of January 25-31 to learn more about relationships to find out what I could do to grow our relationship.  Since then, I have continued learning more, as I have read no less than four books in total on the subject. I feel like an expert now…😜
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This blog post is a summary of what I have learned. During that last week of January, I read two different books, Rewire Your Brain for Love by Marsha Lucas and The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and I attended Tony Robbins free 5-day online seminar, which dedicated one day to improving relationships. These sources had very different angles to how to improve a relationship.  I felt I learned a lot.

Over the last two weeks, I read two additional books recommended in Hal Elrod’s Miracle Morning that I blogged about last week. They are The 7 Principles for Making a Marriage Work by John Gottman and Nan Silver and The Soulmate Experience by Mali Apple and Jon Dunn.  Again, these also present different angles, why I will review what I have learned so far from all of these sources.

If you are impressed with the amount of reading I have done these past four weeks, the secret has been to listen to audiobooks at about 1.6-2x speed while I run, and reviewing the kindle books while writing this blogpost.
Get up to two Audible books for free when you sign up for Audible Plus.

All resources below tell you that you can certainly start implementing without your partner being onboard because the first thing to do is not to try to change your partner. You have to start with yourself. I have learned that there is a lot I can do in this respect.

Tony Robbins on relationships.

Between January 21 – 25, world famous inspirational giant, Tony Robbins gave a free seminar series Live on Facebook called New World New You with a bunch of great challenges for the five days. They were long, 3-4 hours, sessions in which Tony spoke for well over 2 hours every time.

On day 3, it was all about relationships, and it came in handy as I had already decided to do proactive things for improving my own relationship during the coming week.

The key thing that Tony brought to the table is that Men and Women are different and react to things in different ways.

He says: Intimate relationships don’t die from lack of love. They die from lack of intimacy. The difference between friendship or intimate relationship – is intimacy-sensuality

There are a couple of rules one can live by to improve the relationships.

1. A relationship is a place you go to give rather than a place to get.
2. You are 100% responsible for making it work. Phrases like: ” If she would only…” don’t work. Find out what things your partner likes and dislikes, and then deliver. Show your love.  Your partner will feel the love, and the relationship will grow. Eventually, you let your partner know what you like, if you feel something is still missing. 

Tony Robbins says: If you do this for 60-90 days, you will become a better lover and if your current partner does not get on board, you might move on or attract someone else.

Most people are constantly evaluating the opposite partner rather than themselves, and that’s the biggest mistake we make.

The word “problem” is often understood differently by men and women. Men understand that a problem must be destroyed or reduced. Let’s fix it!
Women understand that problems need to be talked about.

Learn these major general differences between the masculine and the feminine. The recipe is quite simple and perhaps overly so, but as general features in many couples, it holds.

This polarity is probably also true in same-sex partnership.  Exchange the words Women and Men for feminine and masculine traits, which are present regardless of gender.

The Three U:s of Women that Men must recognize.

• Unseen. Guys, it is quite simple! Look at your lady! Comment positively on what she is wearing, jewelry, nails (painted toenails included), hair, smell, etc.
• Not Understood. Listen to your woman. Repeat phrases to confirm active listening and ask questions.
• Unsafe. Women in general feel unsafe much more than men.  Don’t patronize women’s need for safety. A simple question asking whether a man or a woman feels unsafe walking alone at night reveals this major difference between men and women.
  Women feel unsafe much more than men. Make sure your woman feels safe with you.

The Three C:s of Men that women must recognize.

• Criticism –  no coaching. Don’t criticize-coach your man. If a man needs a coach (he rarely will say he does), he will hire one… and it will not be his partner. A man needs to hear praise what is good and great. He wants to be the hero. Your hero.
• Closed. Women talk to their girlfriends about problems all the time. Men don’t. They are closed. Women have to understand this. A smart woman makes the man melt and open up by asking about his feelings and showing interest in it. Men can open to their partners. Nagging does the opposite and makes the man even more closed.
• Controlled. Women try to control things. She tells the man WHAT he SHOULD do and HOW he SHOULD behave. This will lead to resentment and is not good in the long run in the relationship. You may try in a smart way to influence your man, but don’t try to control him.

At some point, I will, discuss these points with my wife, after I check her toenails, listen to how she feels, and make sure she feels safe.  😁

Rewire your Brain for Love

Rewire Your Brain for Love by Marsha Lucas gives a totally different approach.  Our brains is primitive when it comes to feelings. It is the amygdala that reacts with anger or fear, when we don’t weigh our reactions or words. In a relationship, this can soon be toxic.

The author means that one can train the brain to react with more logic and less emotion, giving a much better response in those critical moments when unthoughtful words, anger, rage, and knee-jerk reaction take the upper hand and destroys much of the logic. 

The way to do this is through mindfulness. There are a bunch of meditation practices in the book that one can apply.

In my own case, much rewiring has already been done since the past week with the Miracle Morning/5 AM Club referred to in my previous weekly challenge, as I have been going to bed and get up more or less at the same time each day, continued the meditation practice, been physically activity as well as practicing gratitude. Mindfulness is in vogue!

The Five Love Languages.

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman has a lot of practical tips how to learn to understand your partners needs better. There are five different love languages as ways of feeling love. Often the two people in a couple speak different languages and have not communicated to each other what kind of Love Language they speak. After the initial HOT LOVE recedes, suddenly small niggles seem huge, and when not communicated effectively (nagging or complaining doesn’t work), they can wreck the marriage. It almost always comes down to differences in Love Languages. By learning the key features of each, it gives cues on how to improve the relationship.

The five love languages are:

• Words of affirmation. Say something nice. Complement the other person for something.
• Quality time – scheduled meetings, lunches, and activities together.
• Receiveing gifts – surprise your partner with a gift
• Acts of service – do something your spouse wild like you to. Please her and show your love by doing things for her.
• Physical touch – a hug or a kiss can go a long way.

It is often the case that the principle that couples have different priorities when it comes to the 5 love languages and that couples may not always be in sync. Therefor, it is important to learn the love language of your partner.

The Soulmate Experience.

The Soulmate Experience by Mali Apple and Jon Dunn deals a lot about freedom within the relationship. Although compromises are important to deal with locked positions,  a relationship should not be built on compromises that take away from each other’s personality.

The book’s central theme is not to expect from your partner – that your partner ought to do this or behave like that. Rather,  except that you are different and cherish those things you both enjoy. Using you should, you know, or you remember when turning to the other person is demanding and will likely close the other person. Instead of expectations, express your desires as invitations.

So with the example of birding.  Rather than telling your non-birding spouse that he/she should go birding with you, turn it around, saying you’d like to share your passion with the one who you love. That is an invitation. 
Another tip in the book goes into finding edge activities and adventures that you can do together. Experiencing new things together goes a long way, and you will grow as a couple.

Be sure to schedule time to be together.  Book a night out, away from the kids, at least once a month.

The book also deals with how to open your mind, how to love your body when not being content with your physical appearance, how to deal with jealousy, and how to connect more.

The 7 Principles for Making a Marriage Work

Perhaps The 7 Principles for Making a Marriage Work by John Gottman and Nan Silver gives the most hands-on tips on how to improve a relationship. 

It is based on Gottman’s research in his Family Research Lab, known as the Love Lab, where he observed more than 650 couples over 14 years, identifying what traits make couples stay together rather than splitting up.

With just 15 minutes in the Love Lab trying to settle some disagreement a couple has, Gottman predicts whether they will have a successful marriage or a divorce further down the line noticing SIX SIGNS. It is not that they quarrel that gives them away. It is how they quarrel.
Six signs that predict divorce are:

1. Harsh start-up.  Immediately after the discussion begins, one of the partners counters with a sarcastic remark or is accusing/blaming/shaming the other. It could be meant as a joke, but it is not a good start.
   
2. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Some kinds of negativity are lethal to a relationship. Gottman has named these the Four Horsemen. Even if you are the only one in the relationship reading this book, it is a good idea to avoid the Four Horsemen as much as possible when having an argument with your partner.
   
   Horseman 1. Criticism. You will always have some complaints about the person you live with, but there is a world of difference between complaint and criticism.  Criticism often contains “you always” or “you never.” Or a complaint is finished with “What is wrong with you?”.
   Complaint: I am angry because you didn’t do the dishes last night, even though you said you would. Could you do it now?
   Criticism. You always forget the chores you are supposed to do, and in the end, I will have to it. You just don’t care. What is wrong with you?
   Sounds familiar. It is quite common, so it does not mean you are heading towards divorce, but it does pave the way for a much deadlier Horseman.
   
   Horseman 2. Contempt. If one partner makes disrespectful comments or sneers or shows a sense of superiority towards the partner with sarcasm and cynicism, this is contempt.  Contempt hurts, and for this reason, it has a detrimental effect on marriages.
   
   Horseman 3. Defensiveness. Though defending yourself against contempt and criticism seems to be a natural reaction, unfortunately, it just escalates the argument.
   
   Horseman 4. Stonewalling. Next, it can escalate to Stonewalling. One part (often the husband) ignores the other partner and stops listening and talking. Classic response: He grabs a beer and turn on the football game and shuts himself out of the world.
   
3. Flooding. Usually, people stonewall as a protection against feeling psychologically and physically overwhelmed.  They learn to do anything to avoid the escalation of the horsemen, bail out from tough conversations and avoid the topic altogether.
   As time goes, they disengage from the relationship. The meltdown of a relationship can be predicted by the frequency of harsh start-ups and the flooding as a result of the presence of the four horsemen.
   
4. Body Language. During quarrels involving the four horsemen and flooding, the most apparent body reaction is increased heart-rate.  It is a primitive reaction of fight (critical, contemptuous, or defensive reactions) or flight responses  (stone-walling). Your ability to process the information is reduced, and you are not paying attention to what your partner is saying. Any chance of resolving the issue is gone, and further discussion will likely worsen the situation. Typically the heart rate rises to above 100 in these situations. 
   
5. Failed repair attempts. Repair attempts, such as taking a break to calm down, will de-escalate the tension when they are successful. It becomes easier to listen to the other part when you are calmer, and in this state, a more intelligent discussion can take place. Still, if the harsh start-ups, the four horsemen and the flooding has created a vicious cycle, the repair attempts from one partner are likely not acknowledged.
   
   Couples who have successful repair attempts early on in the disagreement are likely still married down the road.
   
6. Bad Memories. The author notes that couples who are destined to fail often don’t remember what made them click in the first place and they give negative incidents in the past too much importance.  It is a good idea to try to remember the good times and what you liked about each other when you had just fallen in love.

If all 6 keys are present, there is little chance that the marriage will work in the long run. However, if you recognize what is going on and make repair attempts early or when you both are calm, the future may look somewhat brighter.

If you further implement the seven principles from the book, there is no reason why a marriage that perhaps seems destined for failure could turn around.

The 7 Principles

The Seven Principles have to do about learning about yourself and your partner.  The more you do so, the more likely the success.  Practice these seven principles.

1. Enhance your love maps
2. Nurture your fondness and admiration
3. Turn towards each other instead of away.
4. Let your partner influence you.
5. Solve your solvable problems
6. Overcome gridlock
7. Create shared meaning.

I will only review the first principle below, which perhaps is the most useful as is a fun starting point to get to know each other better.

Love Maps and Questionnaires

Throughout the book, there are plenty of questionnaires for you and your partner, or if necessary, you can do them yourself. Maybe your partner shows contempt with comments like: “So now you pretend to fix our marriage with something you have read in a book. Give me a break“. 
The author stresses that even if it is a one-sided approach to saving the marriage, you can still see drastic improvements implementing the strategies. Eventually, you will see that communications improves, and your partner will be more willing to learn what it is that has made such a change in yourself.
The sooner you realize that you need to change in the way you react, the easier communication will become.
The first questionnaire is what the author calls a Love Map.  This seems like a fun game I could do with my wife.

There are several additional questionnaires that allow you to learn more about each other. These can be downloaded from this website. I must find these questionnaires in Spanish to do with my wife down the line because they look like they are fun to do together.

Love three weeks later.

My wife is not making this journey together with me. I have not told her. The idea is that she shall note the change. 
Today, as I was finishing up this blog post, it has been three weeks since I started. I feel we are getting much closer to each other. I am also much more aware of our daily encounters, Whatsapp messages, and sharing of memes.

I don’t know to what extent I need to give thanks to COVID, but being quarantined, seeing each other more, and having more time for affection, certainly has brought some advantages.  From the start of the year when I planned to do these weekly challenges and since practicing mourning routines of getting up at 5 AM every morning to include meditation, yoga, exercise, and planning of the day, have set me up for being more attuned on different aspects of my family life, including teaching my kids Swedish. (I have a 15 days streak of 5 AM starts, as well as a 15 days streak with Swedish lessons!)

What is your take on COVID and your partnership? Any lessons learned? If you want to improve your relationship, it is important to remember that the biggest positive change you can make is not to try to change your partner but to change your own approach.

Running update

The first week of February, I decided to set a running goal of running continuously for a minimum an hour each day. This also allowed me to listen to the remaining audiobooks of the present blogpost.

Next week’s blogpost shall be about my strategy for my training for Berlin Marathon in September. Remember, I am 60 years old, and I am aiming for sub 3 hours. Is it all possible? Check out the next blogpost when published.